When we found out in Fall of 2017 that we were pregnant with baby number two I was super excited! This was the start of our journey of becoming a family of four.
Believe it or not, I actually went through a phase where I didn’t want a second child. I had my mind set that one was all we needed. I even donated all of Ava’s baby clothes and toys. I’m not sure what provoked this feeling. I wasn’t sure if it was my crazy delivery and scary postpartum, the financial stresses of two children, or all the what ifs that went through my head. Our life was perfect with just Ava and I just couldn’t imagine it being any different.
Then something changed. After putting fear aside we decided that having a second child is what we truly wanted. I think it was the mindset of Ava having someone to grow up with. A best friend, a sibling, someone to have when my husband and I are gone (sounds awful but it’s true).
So here we were, pregnant again and we found out we were having another girl! Oh, I was SO EXCITED!
As time went on I had moments of happiness that our family was growing and then my moments of complete shock and nervousness.
FEELINGS CHANGED WITH BABY NUMBER TWO
I was a few weeks out from my due date and was sent to the hospital to be monitored for high blood pressure. When we dropped Ava off with my brother she cried and screamed. My heart broke. I cried on the way to the hospital. I told my husband I wasn’t ready for this baby and what if this wasn’t a good idea (haha a little late). What about my baby girl Ava? I felt bad for her. My sense of excitement was GONE.
The hospital sent me home after a few hours of monitoring. This gave me time to regroup, get my thoughts together, and pray that God somehow help me find joy in this season of our life and to help me let go of all the anxious feelings.
FEAR SETS IN
At 38 weeks my doctor induced my labor because of gestational hypertension. I had another long labor like I did with Ava (Ava’s was four days). There was a moment in the room when it was just my mom and I. I had another break down like before. Tears from my eyes starting pouring out as my mom put her arms around me. I told her I was afraid of not being able to love Zoey. How could I love another baby? All I had known was loving Ava. I asked, what if I want nothing to do with Zoey?
My mom wiped away my tears and reassured me that wouldn’t happen. She said that I was going to love Zoey so much and that there was plenty of room in my heart for everyone. She told me everything was going to be ok.
Many hours later, Zoey Nicole Thompson was born. The nurses put her in my arms and my heart has never been the same.
I immediately fell in love with her. God knew exactly what we needed and ever since the second she was born my life has been complete.
I never expected my heart would be overflowing with this much love or to feel a love THIS BIG. I love my girls just the same, yet also differently. I know that doesn’t make sense but its hard to explain this feeling.
All I know is that the fear of not loving Zoey or not having enough love for both was a waist of time.
To any mother out there experiencing something similar just know that it’s ALL GOING TO BE OK!