I’ve shared before about how Ava has never really been a cuddly baby or a baby that enjoyed being rocked to sleep.
There are only a few times that I can clearly remember holding her close to me and rocking her to sleep. The moments when I was breast feeding, specifically the last feeding. I feel like we always remember that last breast feeding. The other time was one night several months ago when she was really sick. Other than that it’s not something I get to do often.
Last night, Ava woke up in the middle of the night crying and couldn’t put herself back to sleep. I wasn’t sure what was wrong. She didn’t have a fever and it’s not like she can tell me what’s going on. I started to play the maybe game. Maybe she’s teething, maybe she has a stomach ache, maybe she had a bad dream, or maybe she just needs me.
I walked back to our bedroom after my husband and I tried a couple of times to soothe her while keeping her in her crib. This time it wasn’t working. I decided in this moment she didn’t need a bed time routine, she didn’t need to learn how to get herself back to sleep. She just needed me.
I got her out of her crib and we headed to the living room. There on the couch, I held our daughter close to my chest. For the first time in a long time I could feel her heart beat, I could hear her breaths and gasps as she tried to calm and settle her crying. I felt her tears run down my skin. She needed me and I needed this moment. As we sat there in the dark, tears ran down my face. I wanted this moment to last forever. I wanted time to stop. I wanted this feeling to never end.
The clock said 3:30 am. I had two hours left. I sat there in the dark silence and just held her.